Dateline SAN FRANCISCO: While markets continue to tumble amidst global uncertainty, influential market-insights firm False Profit advised calm yesterday. After acknowledging in an official statement to reporters that owners of citrus plantations, bourbon distilleries, hog farms and other manufacturing business are scratching their heads as the Orange Clown demolishes global trade relationships at an astonishing rate, Senior VP of Market Analysis, Samwise «Da Pearl» Pearlman, summed up the situation by saying, “Uh, it’s… er… hmmm. Yeah, it’s not good”. When pressed for clarification, Pearlman said, «Like really, really, really, really, really not so great. As in bad.»
However, he went on to say «But there is hope! With our ballots cast and our backs up against the wall, there’s still one economic realm which is safe from tariffs, monopoly interests and rampant inflation. That is the bass sector. We invite you to learn about our exciting cryptobassic technology portfolio at Asiento next Wednesday.» Pearlman declined additional questions, instead promising a rare triple-header of globally diversified bass talent at the happy-hour event. «We must collectively carry forward, and embrace all bass genres, so that our melting pot does not end up full of homogenous slop,» said Pearlman.
EQUITY — June 13 2018, featuring:
At Asiento, 2730 21st St (Bryant) SF. Hot beats, free nibbles, drink specials, and a cold, hard dose of reality.